Deserving

The more we try to succeed, the more we fail. 

The more we try to fix it, the more it breaks.

The more we try to love, we are pushed ever further away. 

The more we try to be right, the more we are wrong. 

The more we try to find clarity, the more we delude ourselves. 

The more we try to find direction, the more we become lost. 

The more we try to find meaning, the more it eludes us. 

Pouring out our hearts and toiling our way through strife and struggle to no avail, it seems as if we never get what we deserve. It seems unjust, inequitable, and absurd. It seems as if the world is out to get us. It seems as if there’s no sense in trying hard when the result isn’t even guaranteed. It seems as if nothing makes sense, and we should just give up. 

“I again saw under the sun that the race is not to the swift and the battle is not to the warriors, and neither is bread to the wise nor wealth to the discerning, nor favor to the skillful; for time and chance overtake them all.”

— Ecclesiastes 9:11

I keep coming back to this excerpt from Ecclesiastes to constantly humble myself, to ground my thoughts within reality, and to periodically detach from my consciousness the oppressive constraint that is this precarious notion of deserving. 

The fundamental problem with this notion of what we deserve is that it operates under a certain preconception that we innately understand this infinitely complex world we live in, when the truth is that we have but a modicum of understanding. It is inevitable that many events in our lives unravel themselves in a way we didn’t expect them to, and the more we obstinately latch onto the belief that everything in this world should be reliable and predictable, the more frustrated and disconcerted we become amidst this chaos. 

The solution is merely to let go—to eschew what we think should happen, and why.