Ambivalence

My mind reorienting itself in a state of emotional chaos—

is it like a policeman catching a thief red-handed?

or is it like a shepherd guiding back sheep that have been led astray?

So Much

So much to do, so much to experience, and so much to think about.

Lest I forget that if I somehow lose it all, I might just be better off.

With a perpetually heavy heart and a resilient mind,

I will always find my way.

The choice

If the choice to live a good life—to be grateful, to be joyful, to be content, to live with straightforwardness and honesty—is indeed a choice, then I will choose it.

If I Said

If I said, from the absolute depths of my heart,

that I don’t long for the radiant warmth of another’s heart,

that I don’t yearn for another’s grace enveloping my consciousness,

that I don’t crave the taste of soft lips and the invigorating gaze of a lover,

that there is no ravenous beast of lust and desire lurking within me,

that I am not completely and utterly starving for love,

there would be no greater lie to have come out of my mouth.

Nothing but a slave

The heart remains unperturbed by the fact that I have more important work to do in this life, unfettered by the notion that I might just be making a fool of myself, unfazed by the very distinct possibility that these feelings are all but an elaborate delusion.

Nothing I do internally will change the way I feel.

Amidst thoughts of you, I am nothing but a slave; I am left to conclude that if time fails to dissipate these feelings, there is no one but you that holds the keys to unshackle me from this oppressive ball and chain that bears down on my heart every single momentous hour of this strange existence.

Nothing feels more right

To fall in love with someone I know nothing about? Absurdity.

To incessantly envisage emotional intimacy and connection? Delusion. 

To believe that they just might be the one and only? Stupidity.

And yet, in my ghostly heart, blinded by love, coaxed by possibility, determined to find redemption,

nothing—nothing feels more right.

Why do I feel this way about you?

There exists no doubt in my mind what I’m meant to do—what I’m supposed to do. 

And yet there also exists no doubt in my heart, either. There persists an irrefutable yearning ensconced within it—an inexorable desire for passion, for love, for chaos. The frenzied rush of sex, the unmistakable warmth of two souls inextricably locked in an embrace, the invigorating sensation of a reckless wander into this war-torn and ruin-strewn battlefield of emotion.

In my mind, I know with certainty there is a cost. I know there is a risk. 

I know it will subjugate and oppress me. 

I know it will derail all semblance of rational thought, but

to see you smile,

to hear you laugh,

to feel your arms around me,

to put my arms around you, 

it would be everything.

Why? 

Why do I feel this way about you?

Manifestation

I wrote a little over two months ago,

The way we feel influences the way we act, just as much as the way we act influences the way we feel. What caused what? What influenced what? Where does it start? Where does it end?

We can decide what we do, but that decision is almost always entirely based on how we feel. And more often than not, we can’t choose how we feel.

The entire concept of manifestation and the law of attraction that has been looming up in the past decade is, at its core, an iterated expression of our internal desire that had already existed to begin with—no different than anyone who doesn’t actively practice this exact form of thought.

If our thoughts determine our reality, what reason do we have to believe that it doesn’t work in reverse—that our reality determines our thoughts? If an individual attracts what they think—if we just look at it from a slightly different perspective—are those same things not the very things that attract the individual?

In terms of our free will, to actively manifest our desires in thoughts, because it is all already implicitly manifested in our actions; it is all one and the same—all an inexorable, unceasingly capricious cycle of cause and effect.

ill

If the body ceases to be in good health, does not the mind as well?

Astray

Will how we feel lead us down a path of truth? Or will it lead us astray? 

There is no way to know—until it’s too late.