172

I cannot precisely predict every outcome of my actions, or my inaction.

If I did what I did with as much straightforwardness, sincerity, intention, sensitivity, and kindness that I could muster at that moment,

why should I condemn myself?

And why do I demand of myself that I always get things right the first time?

Have I suddenly forgotten all that I had said for the past year?

I asked for struggle. I asked for uncertainty. Because I asked for meaning, for purpose, for fulfillment.

And none—absolutely none of that would exist if I did everything as perfectly as I wanted.

Stop deluding yourself. Stop being weak in your mind. Stop flailing amidst the winds. Stop being tossed by the waves.

All the disparate fragments of what I have learned the past year—about myself, about the world, about others that I walk amongst in it—must now be forged in this crucible of reality.

11/29

No—honesty may not always net us the result that we want.

But since when was what we wanted what we needed?

And even if it neither gives us what we want nor what we need,

should we really castigate ourselves for merely speaking the truth?

11/28

I have the option to not care, merely to salvage my pride.

I also have the option to care, because life is far too short to be aimless, to be lazy, to take the easy way out and appease my selfish desire.

I have chosen to live this life with a precise and genuine seriousness,

approaching everything in front of me tenderly, willingly, and with justice.

If I have the energy, the willpower, and the time,

why would I not try?

If I have the option to see past the petty, the insipid, the inconsequential,

why would I not try?

If I have the patience, the forgiveness, and the tolerance,

why would I not try?

I will do what I can do until I realize nothing more can be done.

And then I will rest easy.

11/27

Relinquish your pride, mind—

you are not invulnerable from mistakes,

you are not unassailable by emotion,

you are not separate from your heart.

What good are directions, what use are coordinates to a sailor,

if the sea beneath him remains in perpetual unrest?

if the winds that push him along vacillate by the minute?

Your heart is as much a part of you as your mind.

For without a heart, there is nothing to grasp the meaning that lay in the liminal space of the matter and energy that rushes between our eyes and within our soul.

And without a mind, there is nothing to guide it along—no light to even begin to navigate a world shrouded in a suffocating darkness and oppressive fog.

As you should not balk at the nature of the universe,

as you should not kick against fate and the weight of circumstances,

you should neither lay siege against the heart.

Stop fighting. And stop thinking that this is about appeasement or about compromise.

This is not about the mind.

And this is not about the heart.

This is about you.

11/24

What is this rift, this chasm between the mind and the heart that has torn me apart?

In my mind, there is calmness, stillness, and peace. In my heart, there rages chaos and war.

I've found resolution, yet there persists conflict.

There is acceptance, yet there is also indignation;

contentment, yet desperation;

indifference, yet hope;

certainty, yet uncertainty;

autonomy, yet powerlessness.

11/21

As much as I dread this feeling, I must remember:

If there is no unknown, there is nothing to discover.

If there is no uncertainty, there is nothing to ascertain.

If there is no conflict, there is no resolution.

If there is no tension, there is no relief.

If there is no deficiency, there is no gratitude.

If there is no doubt, there is no faith.

If there is no suffering, there is no joy.

My self-awareness is but a cold comfort to this raging heart.

As if comfort was what I wanted anyway.

11/17

I sense a love that once again emanates from this heart.

What matters in the end is what I choose to do with it—

if there is even a choice to make.

11/16

I am okay with any outcome, but,

in my heart, there is only one that I want.

11/16

My heart wants so desperately to be understood,

For someone, somewhere, somehow, to understand who I am, what I feel, and why I feel.

Why is it so difficult to emotionally detach from this? Why is it suddenly so difficult, despite my vigilance and self-awareness, to dissuade myself from chasing this love?

11/14

“I need a next life—

not satisfied to know you just once.”