243

As I’ve discussed many times in this blog, it is in my nature to want to agree—to want peace above all, to shield myself from conflict, and to avert all emotional discomfort or tension from my interpersonal interactions. But don’t be mistaken in thinking that this is simply who I am; what I talk about far less on here is the ferocious, ruthless, and brutal side of me that has grown in recent years in response to the failures of this agreeable part of my personality.

As a stark deviation from how I normally write on this blog, I want to convey my thoughts in the way that is most representative of how I actually feel:

Don’t fucking tell me how to live my life.

Don’t fucking pretend you know who I am.

Most of all, don’t fucking tell me who I should be.

242

I’ve encountered many people in my life that use philosophy as a bludgeon to strongarm their way through difficult conversations to prove their own righteousness or intellectual worth.

I’ve also encountered many people that seem to think philosophy is an esoteric practice farfetched from either the harsh realities of life, an easy excuse to not take action or to delay action, or an unnecessary burden in our quest to find happiness or peace.

Lest we forget that we need philosophy because it is the only way to discern right from wrong. If we claim to study philosophy, but can never make any conclusions that will cause us to act differently in the world around us, we have failed. Conversely, if we dismiss it as something optional or dispensable, we also have failed.

Indeed, no one is stopping you from abdicating yourself from the responsibility of determining what is right from wrong, but don’t put to shame everyone who came before you that tried to. Do not take for granted all the fruits of good decision-making that came from leaders in the past who took responsibility to seriously contemplate the path they were going to take their people. It’s far too easy to say that philosophy isn’t necessary when you aren’t the one making the brutally difficult decisions—when you aren’t the one primarily responsible for countless human lives, for the fate of a nation, for ensuring good prevails against evil on this earth. And when the inevitable time comes—when those countless lives are lost, when a nation has crumbled into dust, when evil prevails—you should not have put yourself in a position where you have to apologize for your ignorance, for your complacency, and for your self-righteousness because you didn’t want to think about what’s right; at the very least, be grateful that someone beside you did.

241

The beauty of the human condition is that so much of our vacillation between struggle and redemption is both banal within the scope of history and endlessly novel to our personal experience.

The novelty—the childlike fascination with the peculiarity of life itself, the compulsion to propel ourselves towards the unknown, the need to solve things for the sake of solving them—is what ultimately drives us to live this life in the first place.

But the banality—the clichés, the recurring motifs, the persistent themes of what it means to live as a human—should serve to comfort us and keep us on the path we were meant to be on. It is a reminder that we were and are never alone, and no matter what path we actually end up on, we can rest easy, knowing that others have walked it before us.

240

I’m starting to think at times that I have talker’s block, much in the same way as I once thought I had writer’s block.

But just as I’ve realized writer’s block is merely a fear of bad writing, perhaps all I have now is a fear of bad conversation.

At the end of the day, it all just requires courage—courage to shun the non-believers, courage to try your best when there isn’t enough effort in this world, courage to ignore those who judge without wanting to be judged themselves, courage to do the right thing despite being pulled in every wayward direction.

Stop trying to please everyone. As much as it’s in my agreeable nature to want to be on good terms with everyone that I come across, to succumb to such a nature would be a damning statement of my cowardice.

Walk your own path, and do not heed to distractions, to vapidity, to people who don’t understand a modicum of who you actually are.

239

Hunger and exhaustion are physically based. But being annoyed is a concoction based on expectations and the stories we tell ourselves. We can change the story if we try.

—Seth Godin

The key part is if we try. Rather, if we choose to try.

The disheartening realization is that for many, there is no choice.

238

I dreamt of being in your arms, enveloped in an undeniable warmth in your embrace.

“Nothing feels more right than this,” I thought.

I felt as if all my life had culminated into this moment. I finally felt like some truly understood—understood everything that has made me into who I am, understood every thought that has been conjured up in this strange mind of mine, understood every emotion that’s tormented this ghostly heart, understood how long I’ve yearned for this—and you didn’t have to say a single word. I felt—felt it in my fingers and in my bones—an inexplicable attraction to you, from the love that emanates from your presence, your aura, your soul.

How can this mere figment of my imagination elicit such a momentous revelation? How can it constitute as visceral of a truth as anything else has in my life?

It wasn’t real.

But nothing felt more real.

237

Ashamed? Embarrassed? Why? Should I apologize?

For trying, when far too many of us don’t try hard enough, especially when it matters?

For refusing to hide away in a corner in cowardice?

For wanting to better myself and the people around me?

For assuming responsibility and taking ownership for what happens in the world?

For being who I am?

Recognize the absurdity in these emotions, and move forward with your life.

236

I would rather be condemned for saying something wrong than live with the shame of not saying what needed to be said.

If I was wrong, there is an opportunity for me to learn.

If I was right, there is an opportunity for everyone else to learn.

If I say nothing, all I do is display my lack of courage and awareness.

235

I perpetually underestimate myself, always downplaying how far I’ve come and all that I’ve achieved in this live thus far. I give credit to others, I forgive them, and I love them, even when they don’t deserve it.

It takes a conscious decision for me to take more pride in who I am and in what I do, and to judge others when they need to be judged.

As more time goes on, as I let myself be relegated to a condition of life I can’t thrive in, whether due to my own vices or due to others taking advantage of me, I’m realizing that I need to make this conscious decision more often than I might presume.

234

At times I feel some semblance of shame—some fragment of thought in my mind, afraid that I might be judged for thinking seriously about my life and my actions, and the values I stand for.

The phrase “taking life too seriously” has garnered far too much of a negative connotation in our contemporary conversations; the profligate focus on happiness at the core of the human condition, on the path of least resistance, on blissful ignorance and the self-centeredness that pervades our culture blinds us to the very real suffering endured by countless others in this journey with us on this earth. For them, there is no option but to take life seriously.

No—I don’t want to say sorry later. I don’t want to have to apologize for not doing my due diligence, for not heeding to my calling, for turning my head away at the face of injustice, for succumbing to complacency. I will take life as seriously as I want to. And for as much as I can enjoy it myself, I know very well the day will come when this bubble—this insular and fragile world we live in—will burst.