178

And just like that, you ravaged my sense of comfort, wrested my heart from the abyss, and eradicated my complacency,

For that, I am endlessly grateful. And I wouldn’t ask for any part of it to have happened differently.

177

Self-doubt is a good thing.

We might just be better off if we humbly approach everything that we do in this life thinking that we’re wrong, and that we’re in constantly in a place to learn, improve, and hone our ability to discern and to interpret the world and others with nuance, sensitivity, and seriousness.

It is only when it is combined with cynicism that it becomes a bane on humanity and an inimical force opposed to truth. When we neither believe in ourselves nor in other people, there is nothing left to believe in, and no story to write. It is a guaranteed pathway to misery, discontentment, and purposelessness.

If we do not choose to believe in ourselves, at least choose to believe in someone we trust. And if there’s no one to trust now, then we best set off to find them.

176

Three components of a just and upright approach to relationships:

Patience—to let our stories pan out beyond the first chapter, to give someone the benefit of the doubt, to give ourselves enough time to see things as they are.

Forgiveness—to spurn an unwarranted, preemptive degeneration of our perception of others, to cultivate a lucid awareness of our circumstances, and why we did what we did.

Humility—to allow ourselves to freely navigate around the truth—not the truth navigating around us.

175

Every moment is a chance to change—to make ourselves and the world around us better. And yet we keep choosing not to. Second after second, minute after minute, hour by hour, day by day, we keep repeatedly rejecting our calling.

How is that we do not feel complicit? How is it that we feel no shame? How is it that we do not feel as though we are part of the problem? How can we muster any dignity within ourselves to lambaste those around us, let alone criticize the world?

174

Cherish moments of unfettered happiness—the type of joy devoid of doubt, free from questioning, undeserving of scrutiny, and untainted by the desire to know, to be certain, to be right—for these moments are few, and far between.

173

The problem with preparing for the worst and hoping for the best is that often we do not have the time or the premonition to properly prepare, that we dare not imagine the horrors or the agony of what is truly the worst, that our hope predisposes us to the sting of failure and suffering, and that we seldom understand what is best for us.

172

I cannot precisely predict every outcome of my actions, or my inaction.

If I did what I did with as much straightforwardness, sincerity, intention, sensitivity, and kindness that I could muster at that moment,

why should I condemn myself?

And why do I demand of myself that I always get things right the first time?

Have I suddenly forgotten all that I had said for the past year?

I asked for struggle. I asked for uncertainty. Because I asked for meaning, for purpose, for fulfillment.

And none—absolutely none of that would exist if I did everything as perfectly as I wanted.

Stop deluding yourself. Stop being weak in your mind. Stop flailing amidst the winds. Stop being tossed by the waves.

All the disparate fragments of what I have learned the past year—about myself, about the world, about others that I walk amongst in it—must now be forged in this crucible of reality.

11/29

No—honesty may not always net us the result that we want.

But since when was what we wanted what we needed?

And even if it neither gives us what we want nor what we need,

should we really castigate ourselves for merely speaking the truth?

11/28

I have the option to not care, merely to salvage my pride.

I also have the option to care, because life is far too short to be aimless, to be lazy, to take the easy way out and appease my selfish desire.

I have chosen to live this life with a precise and genuine seriousness,

approaching everything in front of me tenderly, willingly, and with justice.

If I have the energy, the willpower, and the time,

why would I not try?

If I have the option to see past the petty, the insipid, the inconsequential,

why would I not try?

If I have the patience, the forgiveness, and the tolerance,

why would I not try?

I will do what I can do until I realize nothing more can be done.

And then I will rest easy.

11/27

Relinquish your pride, mind—

you are not invulnerable from mistakes,

you are not unassailable by emotion,

you are not separate from your heart.

What good are directions, what use are coordinates to a sailor,

if the sea beneath him remains in perpetual unrest?

if the winds that push him along vacillate by the minute?

Your heart is as much a part of you as your mind.

For without a heart, there is nothing to grasp the meaning that lay in the liminal space of the matter and energy that rushes between our eyes and within our soul.

And without a mind, there is nothing to guide it along—no light to even begin to navigate a world shrouded in a suffocating darkness and oppressive fog.

As you should not balk at the nature of the universe,

as you should not kick against fate and the weight of circumstances,

you should neither lay siege against the heart.

Stop fighting. And stop thinking that this is about appeasement or about compromise.

This is not about the mind.

And this is not about the heart.

This is about you.