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251
Maybe I am a good writer.
Maybe I am a good cook.
Maybe I am a good human being.
But I don’t need to say that I am.
More importantly, I don’t need to think that I am.
Your attitude towards your actions, whether you are humble or prideful, does not change the quality of the actions in and of themselves. And your actions are ultimately what determines that identity—not how you perceive yourself in your mind. The label you assign yourself does not matter.
Regardless of the objective quality of those actions, it is always better to downplay the actions you do deserve recognition for than it is to be caught having pride for the ones that you don’t deserve recognition for.
250
Why? Why do you latch onto the meager, lukewarm satisfaction that comes with having pride when you’ve caught yourself in the past overburdened with the shame that comes from unwarranted pride and humiliation?
Even when pride is warranted, keep your head down. Keep diligently practicing, even when you don’t necessarily need to, and don’t claim to be anything.
249
Remember that inadequacy is not merely a hump, not merely something you confront and get over with. There are always reasons—and valid reasons, at that—to feel inadequate for someone or for something. But don’t let it torment the soul.
What matters is the journey. It is not only that you tried, and tried your best, but it is also, above all, that you can live it embracing the gift of human life that we’ve all been given. It is to be grateful, to be mindful, to be present, to realize that none of these games we play may even matter at all at the end of the day. There is so much that we don’t understand, so much that we mistakenly perceive as truth, so much undiscovered. To act like we’ve got it all figured out works just fine for achieving these goals we’ve set out for ourselves, until it just doesn’t.
We don’t have to let our circumstances define our story. We don’t have to let our emotions dictate whether or not we can find joy out of this existence. But if we don’t take steps to practice gratitude and mindfulness, we let it.
248
There are plenty of things that I do not understand, but nothing that I cannot understand in the bigger picture of the human condition.
I don’t worry about losing control when I know that there will always be things out of my control.
I don’t worry if I can achieve my goals, because if I simply try my best, that’s all that I can do.
I don’t worry about the injustice, the hate, the chaos, and the war that ensues in the world around me, because it’s nothing new, and nothing that I would have expected not to happen.
Being surprised and confused amidst suffering is the worst form of suffering.
At least now I can suffer and know why.
246
I know; it seems as though everyone out there has an agenda, a myriad of expectations, and a reason to further their own interests.
But I also know that at least some of us are trying—to find something better, trying to find real connection, trying to find truth.
And I have nothing to lose by pushing myself to try—to find those who seek such things.
It is what I’m called to do, after all.